Despite looking fabulous in a deerstalker and maintaining a healthy interest in opium, I am not Sherlock Holmes.
There are fond memories of him in short sleeves and a deerstalker hat driving a topless, sideless jeep in the winter snow.
He wears plus-fours, lace-up boots, a tie with a picture of a pheasant on it, a game bag slung over his shoulder, a couple of whistles tied around his neck and a battered hat that might once have been described as a deerstalker .
He wore his deerstalker , and a dirty, dun mackintosh, and a bedraggled tie with stripes.
Well, donning my deerstalker and lighting my meerschaum I'd start at the bottom.
Behind me, 20 yards to my right, is Raymond - with his baseball cap tilted back on his head, looking rather less the part than me in my borrowed Barbour deerstalker .
He's wearing a Sherlock Holmeseque half-caped coat and carrying his deerstalker in his hand.
So I donned my deerstalker , polished my largest magnifying glass and set off with large exaggerated strides.
Wearing a deerstalker hat and carrying an oversized magnifying glass she trampled through the crime scene destroying all kinds of forensic evidence.
Here you can still buy a deerstalker hat, be fitted for a pinstripe blazer, slip on some sensible footwear, sniff out some musky cologne or get your balding locks tended by a traditional wet-shave barber.